What is prophesy to a hopeless romantic? I drop my long songs & still get surprised at the remix. The new ways my heart(beat)breaks.I know this sample but I didn’t expect it to hit like this. I pulled a compass spread with Nyota (XVII) in the center. They told me I’m on my way. I’ve been preparing for this gravity to fail. I pre-ordered this drop. I’ve tracked the package & saw it being returned to sender. There is less reliability in delivery nowadays. The mailmen are getting hot again. The celestial forces are in full concert.
Yesterday my Daddio called me & I notice how much more he tells me since I told him I was a woman. I wonder if it’s because I’m older or if it’s because I’m a woman. I love my father in new ways. I told him I was a woman the week his mother died. All my kin keep me in the air. My loves remind me I deserve to glide, to float. This heartbreak lets me dance like never before.
One day I’ll listen to my body. I’ll leave a man when he shows me I’m nothing. They never say it, I’ve learned. Never explicitly. They shape me in a disposable mold. The only consistent thing men who claim to “care about me” can do is keep me an arm’s length away. I hand them a leash with my teeth. Now I resolve to only submit to my bloodline. We keeping our conversations bout drip.
I wonder what loving me would look like. I know I require comparatively more attention than girls like me are allotted. I wonder how loving someone who needs me looks like. I give in multitudes. Pressed down & shaken together. I wonder what bravery is must require to show me my worth? Why do I frame my romance through mortality? I’m free of my latest unsatisfactory union. Another for the collection on Romance. Another man who gets to say he was covered by my love, while I have scraps to show for it. All the gifts I could have bought for myself.
Outside of my heart, other domestic dramas fluctuate in asynchronous choreography. I have found a harmonic refuge. We joke & drift & take turns learning practical applications of closeness. We practice romance in meme & hold each other’s necessary parts. We discuss retreat. We giggle in pockets of triangulation. We are a demon-wife-alliance of mercurial loving. We’ve all been swimming with fish lately. Mine slipped outta my hand first. One of their fish feeds, the other feasts. I’m reminded that I am spoiled by those who decided to know me best. My family is a hedge of protection around me. My covering is built different.
I’m now looking forward to my birthday with new joy. I’m escaping with my demonspouses & then surrendering to my family’s plan. I’m submitting to this Saturn Return. This new structure wants to punk my sadness into blood.